What the f**k just happened? (part 2)

I could hardly walk in to A&E I was so weak. I lie collapsed on Ben waiting to be seen. The triage nurse took me straight in to a room, bloods, IV drip and we were off. I just slept. Tests through the night and eventually on the ward. Thankfully my own room and bathroom as I needed it so frequently. I can never explain the gut wrenching feeling of so urgently needing the toilet, so frequently, when it’s so painful to go (imagine your whole torso cramping) and being so weak you can hardly get up and walk to the toilet which is just 4 metres away.

The next 3 weeks are a little blurry. I was put straight on hydrocortisone, a heavy drip steroid. This would immediately bring down the inflammation in the body. For 2-3 days I was in a state of not eating or drinking, I was the under 60kg the lightest I’ve ever been and just slept a lot. I had no interest in anything at all, just that Ziggy was OK. 

Seeing Zigs, pain and tears, when steroid moon face kicked in, the most amazing sunset from my room.

After a few days I started to feel better. I needed the toilet less, the blood loss slowed down and I was so relived I could do a little dance of joy. The docs started to talk about changing my drugs and how I would be out soon. I would take a biologic medicine that would swtich off the immune system in the gut so it wouldn’t attack it self. A few days later I was given this drugs and another couple of days later they stopped the hydrocortisone. It didn’t work and I got really bad again in just 24 hrs. Back on the steroids we went…the steroids are seriously strong and this time my body swelled up to the point I literally looked 5 stone heavier. This didn’t matter but it was soooo uncomfy. I felt like I was going to burst out of my skin.

It then transpired I had caught a bug in hospital called C Diff. My immune system shut down had paved the way for this bug to walk in to my gut and cause even more havoc. I was ‘unlucky’ this had happened and it could really set me off again making me terribly sick. Only time would tell.

Staying positive, clear skies and grounding, lots of telly, besties visiting, lots of Zigs facetime and our 10 year wedding anniversary celebration.

C Diff did it’s thing and started to make my heart go funny again. For 3-4 days and nights we had heart rate issues and the doctors weren’t sure what to do. They eventually worked out a cocktail of meds and vitamins/supplements that my body needed to be able to handle C Diff and the strong medicines and keep my heart happy.

It also meant that I now couldn’t continue with the biologic drug that I was all set on and happy to take. It’s ruled out for me forever and now dirty drugs were my only option. I was extremely upset about this.

Then it was a waiting game. I was told either I was going to go back to square one and the c. diff would or could make me even worse than I was when I came in, or the antibiotics would work and I may be OK. I decided that there was only one option and I would be OK. I knew that I had to be home by 3rd September as Ziggy was starting a new school. So I focused all my energy on the belief that my gut had this, I would be OK and I would leave hospital on the Monday when the docs came back from their weekend. I knew that was D Day. So Fri-Sun, the quiet days, I just sat there waiting for my fate but wholly believing it was only going the right way.

Need new jeans, a taste of freedom in the park with Zigs, attempting some work for distraction, legs back to normal - the relief, more besties, my nemesis the drip machine -honestly the f**King beeping and it had to come everywhere with me.

And it did. Monday came and the docs walked in – all my tests that morning were OK and I was safe to home with my meds and rest prescribed. 8pm that night I left my hospital home. So happy not to be alone in that place, the routine I’d built to survive it was over and I was going home. I was there for Ziggy’s first day of school.

More on this another time but I believe I made this happen with the way I connected with my gut and the meditation and visualisation I was doing. There was no raeality in my mind where I wasn’t walking out of that hospital on Monday.

I NEED to shout out the nurses and doctors at Royal Surrey (Guildford) hospital, Millbridge ward. My home for 3 long weeks. The care I received and the amazing humans I met. From Magda the daily cleaner, to Silv who offered me tea 3 times a day. To Marg and Rick who bought me lunch and dinner (which I often left, sorry), the Doctors who kept me SO informed and did so many tests daily I couldn’t get my head around it and the night nurses who were there every 2 hours knocking so gently on my door to wake me for more drugs. You made me feel so safe and nurtured when I was often afraid and alone. You wanted to make me better and get me home. I will forever be grateful. Dr Alexandropoulou is an angel and the most incredible Doctor I have ever met, calling me only the other day to check how I am which I’m sure isn’t her remit.

To everyone that sent a message, a DM, a card, a gift, flowers. YOU GOT ME THROUGH.

THANK YOU.

L x

Freedom!