What recovery looks like…
I’ve been home for 13 days and I still feel like the luckiest person in the world to do the most normal things.
The tiniest things bring joy such as walking on carpet, the a cup of tea in my own mug, the view of Ranmore out the window looks especially good. And ofcourse the much bigger things too like seeing Ben and Ziggy every day and starting to socialise again. But I have to take it easy, doctors orders. My body has just been through such a lot, it’s processing and de-toxing from heavy drugs and anti-biotics while getting to know new ones…and my brain, well I’ll come on to that.
When I came home I was still very ‘delicate’ as I tell Ziggy (my 7 year old, going on size 12 clothes and weighs 35 kgs..!). It’s also a reminder to myself and those around me because I look ‘fine’ now. But I was very shaky, actually quite socially nervous (weird!), and had lost all muscle. I couldn’t walk up the stairs. Each day I’ve listen to what my body needs and this is probably THE biggest learning of this whole experience, your body always knows what it needs, it just needs to be listened to. I’ve been honing this conversation over the past year I’d say, which literally felt alien to me. I now talk to my body, my gut in particular and ask for what it needs, and tell it how proud I am of it. Ha, I sound mad, but I tell you I’m not! It works. This moment of connection, whether once or more a day allows me to really understand where I’m at and shape my day or the next few moments…whether it’s what I eat, where I go, what I say yes or no to, how I move, if I nap, have a bath, cancel a work call..…you name it, it tells me.
The most astounding thing to me is that yesterday, I walked half an hour up a huge hill (carefully - no I’m not pushing myself too hard mum!) and although my bum bloody hurts today, the fact that body can recover that quickly is just amazing.
Play, my first outdoor walk, the earliest date night ever recorded, walking with my boys.
So my recovery plan is detailed, cos this is how I do things, but the most important thing about it and where I was slightly going wrong before is IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE PERFECT. A lot of this stuff I was doing and have been since November. In another blog I’ll explain all the many, many things I’ve tried this last 10 months. But where I’ve been going wrong was living in fear. If I eat or don’t eat this I’ll get sick. If I do that exercise I’ll get too tired…I’ll get sick. If I go to that thing, if I go to bed too late, get up too early. I guess you could say it was getting obsessive and the energy it was draining with this over-thinking and analysing was incredible. I was controlling and overthinking and guess what? STILL GOT SICK. I was so focused on sickess…I got sick. Manifestation?
I can imagine if you’re not in the same position this just sounds like OCD or control issues. But at the same time so many people without chronic illness certainly expect me to control everything and can question when I don’t. Like eating something they wouldn’t expect me to (trust me I’ve got this). When one wrong move can mean unbearable pain (not over-exaggerating - have a very, very high pain threshold), a day in bed (or longer), cancelling things and people you love……missing out on work / income……for over 10 months this really adds up and compounds. No one should be in that position really.
Anyway, this is how I’m recovering:
I have re-prioritised my life - I build a week that suits the lifestyle I need then everything else fits around it. I start with making sure there’s time for my top things: meditation (ACTUALLY doing this is transformational), planning and prepping food, movement, slow mornings, early bedtimes, any appointments like hosp, physio, and life admin to plan things like prescriptions, appointments etc. I then layer on Ziggy time, Ben and friend/fam time and then what’s left, work gets. I’ve changed my work hrs from FT to PT and no longer work evenings or weekends. My clients and team know. Deal done.
I know my diet (wish for a better word) and feel safe eating it. I’ve researched this to the nth degree in the past, have it clear what’s ‘safe’ and nutritious for me and just stick to it. No over-thinking, just eat those things (of which there are quite a lot if you’re wondering, again will share soon) and ENJOY what I can have. It’s the most nutritious and healthy food in the world and the ritual of giving my body nutrients brings pleasure and joy.
I ask for support and communicate my needs. Recovering people-pleaser / fixer / strong game-facer no longer. I need help and ask for it. I can’t or don’t want to do something, I don’t. I accept the love, understanding and help from others. (thank you others, I love you).
Team White back together, walking walking walking, socialising with time boundaries that work for me.
Doctor / nutritionist backed things I’m doing, that are quick hacks for anyone wanting to feel better, UC or not. Daily:
AG1 - I know they’ve exploded, not a fad, great stuff
Supplements: omega 3, collagen, vit d and c, tumeric (up to 1500mg/day), iron (check dosage), zinc, magnesium
Rehydration salts
MOVE
2 later water
And my Whoop has come in to it’s own for helping me understand my sleep and HRV even better. Highly recommend.
My hack -
Support
Play and Movement
Rest
Intuition
Nutrition
Grace
Stay soft, but protect your boundaries.
Be dedicated, but not rigid.
Question everything, but don’t by cynical or obsessed.
And trust your intuition.
Next time….how did my flare up come about and coming soon….my diet plan.
THANK YOU for your support. I can’t believe how many of you read this and send me love, I appreciate it so much and I hope in some way it can help you too. Because this stuff is game changing when you’re poorly - you un-poorly people will be super human if you do it!!
L x