A holly jolly Christmas.
And they say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.
It’s been a hard couple of weeks since my last blog. It’s been 5 weeks since I was discharged from hospital and just 3 weeks since my colonoscopy that confirmed my flare and the progression of my disease seven fold since my last colonoscopy.
I have been so ill. I’ve never felt like this before. I can only explain it as being completely depleted, no strength, no energy, constantly losing blood, unable to leave the house. I’ve also been unable to trust food and eat much.
Last week for Christmas, we went to visit family. In this state I struggle to leave the house (read toilet), to socialise or really have any passion for anything and I took the decision to create literal space for my healing. We rented an airbnb so we could be nearby damily and I took a lot of time to be alone. I rested, I weeped, grieved the life I wanted to be living, I looked at my skinny body in the mirror and wondered how I would ever get better.
I managed to get see family, to give Ziggy a Christmas to remember and important, got to the beach: my saviour. There is nothing like the headspace the beach can give you.
And I read a lot. So much. I’ve gone all in on understanding UC more than ever. This led me to quite literally overhaul my life in a few days.
Firstly I am on a version of the crohn’s exclusion diet, eating only rice, potatoes (sweet and normal), a small amount of sourdough, chicken, rice and some greens including avocado, broccoli and tomatoes in very small quantities. I am taking all the supplements I need to try and support my body in what nutrients it’s missing. Bone broth, teas and absolutey no caffeine.
I’ve built a work week that works for me, for when I am ready to live it. Centred around the daily practices I follow that include and prioritise rest and somatics.
Unmasking. Being the real me this Christmas, weak, tired and leaning on help from others. Allowed me to enjoy it and feel loved. Perhaps accepted in a way I didn’t think I could be. This is hard when I’ve been masking disease, ADHD and eating issues for a very, very long time. I’m unapologetically me. I am worthy. It’s bliss.
Healing and deep rest meditation. I have been visualising my gut healing every day and it’s mighty powerful.
I’m pleased to say just 6 days since the overhaul (and a couple of weeks of the changes mentioned in the blog Fix Me) I am starting to improve. My symptoms are lessening and I can manage simple, low energy things. I will get better. I am determined.
Ben, my husband, I can’t thank you enough for how you’ve enabled me to do all of these things. Supported me to change so many things and be so absent in so many ways to take space to heal. I love you.